Jemima’s Problem

Jemima turned to me and said

“A strange man lives inside my head.

He tells me what to do, and how.

He says that I should kill you now.”

Her words gave me a dreadful fright,

I stammered out – “That can’t be right!

He can’t mean me; I’ve been too good,

Surely you have misunderstood.

He must have meant some other guy

Who really does deserve to die.”

But she replied, “There is no doubt,

You are the one he’s singled out.”

There was, it seemed, no more to say,

But as I turned to run away

A glinting blade flashed at my throat.

My sight grew dim, I seemed to float.

I heard the voice inside her head;

“Jemima, that’s not what I said.

I thought I made myself quite clear -

You should wash out your inner ear.

I guess you heard me wrong somehow,

I said that you should kiss him now!”

The Sillionaire

John Paul Spaghetti the twenty-third

Had so much money it was absurd.

He followed his every whim and caprice;

He once made up his mind to go skiing in Greece.

But Greece had no snow like a ski resort oughta,

So John Paul took his skis and went skiing on water.

His ski boots were heavy, his skis wouldn’t float,

And ski poles, on water…? Well you can't help but gloat.

To go hunting for bears in the hot Serengeti

Was just par for the course for old John Paul Spaghetti.

He saw lions, gazelles, some giraffes and gnus,

But the absence of grizzlies to him was sad news.

He had twenty-three cars, all parked in a row,

In front of his mansion, but only for show,

Because John Paul Spaghetti – and this is no jest –

Had failed twenty-three times to pass his driving test.

His latest idea – he was sure it would slay us –

Was to travel alone to the far Himalayas.

That millionaire nincompoop John Paul Spaghetti

Went on an adventure to capture a Yeti.

Last I heard, he’s lost in the depths of Tibet.

And though I’m not a person who’s tempted to bet,

I’d wager John Paul’s hand sewn silk Yeti net

Hasn’t netted a solitary, sad Yeti yet.