Montague Marcus McManus and His Special Diet

Montague Marcus McManus of York

Never left home without his own fork,

For Monty was sure that wherever he went,

The cutlery there would surely be bent,

And dirty, and probably rusty to boot,

And Montague Marcus was sharp and astute.

So even if lunch was not on his agenda

Montague took no risks, no matter how slender,

And taking a new plastic fork from the packet

Slipped it in the pocket of his purple jacket.

 

Montague Marcus McManus one day

Set off on a trip, he was going away;

To see his great aunt on the Island of Muck,

Where folk are outnumbered by sheep and by ducks,

By seals and by otters, though not by great auks.

Thus the chances seemed high they‘d be short of new forks.

So Monty packed plenty, and just for good measure

He tucked into his suitcase his one greatest treasure;

A beautiful fork made of silver and gold

With the crest of the Clan of McManus of old.

 

Now Great Auntie Minnie McManus, it’s said

Was losing the marbles she had in her head.

She’d always been quirky, eccentric and rude,

And like her great nephew was strange about food.

But now she would only eat things with a straw,

Such as soup or hot milk, that don’t trouble the jaw.

It could come in a bottle, a can or a packet,

When she had a delivery, the boy had to stack it,

In neat piles of sachets, and mountains of tins

Heaped so high in the larder; you could barely get in.

 On the evening that Montague Marcus arrived,

(He came on the boat at a quarter to five),

She sat him right down to give him his tea,

And set out before him a bowl of green pea.

She didn’t expect him to eat with a straw –

For he’d written to tell her a fortnight before

That he’d bring his own cutlery, so she needn’t worry,

And that he wasn’t faddy, though he didn’t eat curry.

So she was surprised by the look of dismay

That came to his face when he saw his tea tray.

“Oh dear, Auntie Minnie”, poor Monty exclaimed,

“I think that there’s something I should have explained,

I’ve brought my own eating utensils from York,

But the thing is I only can eat with a fork.

This soup looks so nice and delicious it’s true,

But the nearest to soup I can eat is a stew.

Do you think I might have something else for my tea?”

But Great Auntie Millie said, “Oxtail, or pea.

That’s the choice that you have my Sassenach child,

For mulligatawny you said you reviled.”

 So Montague Marcus McManus of York

Spent a week in the Highlands with only a fork,

To scoop up his soup every lunchtime and dinner,

So as you might guess, he’d grown notably thinner

By the time he went home on the Saturday ferry.

(Though it’s true he had managed to pick a few berries).

But the new, svelter Monty who arrived at York Station

Was ready to bring his idea to the nation;

The brilliant McManus diet; eat all you’re able

But eat only soup, with just forks on the table.

 And that is how Monty McManus became

The world famous man, whose world famous name

Was in all the supplements each blinking weekend.

Till all the large people whose figures were sleekened

Revered and cherished the man and his diet,

(Though to others his diet engendered disquiet),

They found they could dine for hours on end

And sit round the table with all of their friends,

And chatter and laugh, or have meaningful talks,

As they slurped on their great bowls of soup with their forks.